Tick, tick, ticking.

Flowgress 20 time book.jpg

This weekend was undeniably a test. Diving into the past, holding my breath, whilst repairing bridges outside of this city. Functionality level? Astonishing. I spoke to my housemates again and had a social encounter with a “friend” from my previous life. This particular individual always had a twisted bone in his toweringly tall figure. That could be why he survived being an acquaintance for so long, a distinctive absence of morals?

He spoke of an event in the past, which led to the realisation of how majorly my perception of time is warped. The story was of an occurrence a few years back, following  a typically reckless decision to not take my medication for a night… as MDMA makes a great substitute! The tale concluded with a black out and passing out alone.  I woke up the next day with psychosis. Miles into woodlands, feeling lost, exhausted and frozen. So many memories erased and repressed, let’s go down that lane? Follow the yellow bricks.

As a child there was always something tick, tick, ticking in the back of mind. That something, simply would never click… it still hasn’t. Though I can feel the clock hands craving, clawing… calling. Behavioural issues were always present, but I can arrogantly state that there was undoubtedly gift within. Initial academic results excelled miraculously throughout my early childhood, though staying in line was as difficult as asking politicians for honesty.

At the age of 16, the switch of adolescence finally revealed itself. Turning on that light, revealed nothing but a darkness which would swallow me whole. All of a sudden there were monsters under my bed and demons above my head. Eventually… blood on my hands. The angel on my right shoulder? Dead. I’m 21 soon. I ask when will it be possible for me to escape? But they ask, do we truly want to? What’s out there for you? What’s outside of our abyss of demons?

Medication has been prescribed to me unsuccessfully a handful of times. Surely before you prescribe a teenager the maximum dosage, you’d try to get the diagnosis close? Right? How rapidly they leap to their cabinet of magical pills enrages me more than religion, but what they are truly feeding you… revolts me. The “wise lady” recently asked for my opinion on long term prescriptions of anti-psychotics. Comfortably I stand encouraging sceptical behaviour revolving around this over-medicated society.

The system is what I despise. A system full of rushed doctors and false foundations. After a 10 minute conversation with a delirious youth, Citalopram was the initial SSRI they jumped to. How irresponsibly imbecilic! Potentially endangering the future of my life… as well as others, antidepressants are handed out like lollipops. Evidence against them is continuously piling up. It’s just a matter of time until the debate rules that their current purpose is wrong.

I haven’t been medicated for a long while. The hate and anger residing within me will make the rest of this post impossible, so I will degrade myself to bullet points. My apologies to anyone reading…  I’m burning up.

– “Wolf.”

0300H – Laziness.

My apologies for the laziness; I wouldn’t recommend anyone to read the following, for my English and intellect shall diminish swiftly.

– Antipsychotics lead to a shrinkage of the brain.

– Antidepressants were originally designed to treat stress… not depression. They don’t treat the root cause of the problem. We don’t understand the cause. Is it not better to put your hand up and say you don’t fully understand?

– Addictive? YES! My withdrawal was filthy… I wonder, if I get hooked onto psychotropic drugs, who wins? Myself, or big pharma?

– Do we artificially creative a chemical imbalance, leading to the brain to adapt against it? Antidepressant-Induced Chronic Depression exists. Tardive Dysphoria – why didn’t they tell me about it?

– “Doctors are in essence performing uncontrolled experiments on their patients, hoping that in some scatter-shot way they might hit on a solution.”

– If I was a doctor, I would advise being sceptical around their quick fix – think thrice! I wouldn’t fix a bridge with play-dough… although I would like to watch a bus full of kids fall through it.

– What’s better than drugs? Exercise. Eating and sleeping routine. Nutrition. A creative outlet. Adrenaline. Hobbies. Spirituality. A dog. A friend. Love.

– As my “friend” once reminded me, boredom can be the causation of madness. Restructure your life. Give something a purpose!

– Ask your doctor, would you give this to your child considering the true effects? I wonder what they say. I wonder if they are brave enough to not tip-toe around the question.

– Humans have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, for more… though we’ve limited ourselves by skipping steps in order to rush ahead. So often a new label is created – a new psychiatric disease to cure. A new solution required. A new medication created. But so often, these need to be seen as lifestyle disorders. We do not necessarily need an injection of chemicals every day as treatment!

– With a moderate confidence, I can state that I believe antidepressants are only as effective as placebos. So much of it is in your head. Just like a 1RM on squat. You can lift 140kg. Your mind convinces you that you cannot.

– “Access to psychological therapies, although improving, is still nowhere near good enough, and people are waiting months or even years to get access to the treatment they need.” If they spoke to me for 10 more minutes, maybe they’d understand? Maybe back then I wasn’t this cold? Maybe they could have made a connection with me? A positive impact? Life was never the same after medication.

– My head of sixth from was deeply involved in my mental health. I remember her telling me how it’s all about finding the right balance of multiple medications with some severe cases. Finding the correct cocktail of numerous psychotropic drugs? She was a miracle. Kept me alive. However, that’s one cocktail I’m glad I didn’t drink!

– This may be contradictory, but I always speak my mind. I believe in some instances, medication may be worth accepting, especially if you’re having a particularly intense spike in your mental health. Yet once again, I’d always advise caution. Explore and exhaust other options beforehand if possible.

– Yes, drugs can help people. Yes, even on the long term, drugs can help people.

– “We’re an over-medicated society, and the goal of drug companies and a compliant and harried medical establishment is ultimately to have some drug coursing through every individuals’ bloodstream. It’s a lot easier to quickly pop a pill or prescribe than it is to explore the reasons for a person’s distress.”

– Emotional numbness is one of the many side effects. Numb enough to commit murder?

– “Eli Lilly has paid more than one billion dollars in order to settle hundreds of diabetes cases related to Zyprexa without admitting any wrongdoing and without releasing their in-house safety data for public and professional scrutiny.”

– Antipsychotics can lead to hyperprolactinemia and thus infertility… at least then the crazies can’t reproduce.

– These two links are superb:  http://www.madinamerica.com/2013/10/bitterest-pills-troubling-story-antipsychotic-drugs/ & http://www.madinamerica.com/2015/12/timberrr-psychiatrys-evidence-base-for-antipsychotics-comes-crashing-to-the-ground/

To conclude this mess with some personality. Follow this link (https://youtu.be/5iyVaUGUfL0?t=1m30s). However, change the word “loco” to “flowco.”

That is all.



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