To climb up the stairway to heaven, focus on each small step… I don’t expect you to be able to get to the top in one massive leap – it’s not realistic. Set yourself goals and succeed little by little, step by step. But what are your goals? What do you desire? Who are you? More importantly, who do you want to be?
Who Am I? (My Problems)
With borderline personality disorder and disassociation being one of my issues, I ask myself that all the time… who am I? Where’s my sense of identity? What do I live for? I’ve thought long and hard about this and concluded that Flowgression shall document my gradual evolution physically and psychologically.
I’m a 20 year old, male university student hanging on by a thread. Currently I’m in recluse mode and have violently pushed everyone away again – no surprise. I don’t plan to speak to anyone for a while. My eating and sleeping cycles have been horrendous – some days I simply don’t eat, other times I lose days inside the insanity of my room.
What’s that saying I despise, but almost accept?
“Once an addict… always an addict?”
Drug addiction will always be a grey hound stalking my every footstep. I overdosed on New Years… that’s another reason I wish to remain anonymous… wouldn’t like future employers to find out! 😛
Who do I want to be? (My Goals)
I ultimately want to be happy… I wish that was completely truthful… maybe one day… so let’s set some non-specific goals to begin with?
- Physical improvements in terms of physique, strength and fitness.
- Succeed at university… I want at least a 2:1 this year… but have some catching up to do!
- Be relatively substance, alcohol and smoke free.
- Try to develop a less endangering eat/sleep routine?
- Eventually… in the distant future… socialise again?
One small step for man?
Finally! A vague sense of direction! It seems to me the initial step needed is to entirely dedicate myself to the gym again. I am always comfortable there and exercise is an excellent outlet for both the mind and body.
I love watching physical progression!
It will calm me down… maybe enough to focus on my overdue report… :S
Smoking is a disgusting habit. I hate smoking before the gym. Drugs and alcohol will hopefully be less appealing with an addiction to barbells instead?
Can’t sleep at night? Have a session! The gym is a few minutes away from my room and is open 24 hours a day.
Want enough energy to fuel a workout? Eat! Drained after a session? Eat!
Maybe even one day I’ll have a training partner again and develop the confidence to socialise?
My writing tone just went from severe depression, to extreme excitement! You know what, I give you my word. I promise myself. Starting this second, it’s time we make some progress. Let’s a pack a bag, dig up my old routine and train!